Bleach Outtakes
by Mizu no Kenshi
Summary: HIATUS - may or may not be continued
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Bleach and all characters belong to Tite Kubo. Not me, because if I owned Bleach, Toshirou would've long since been married off to me -

My first Bleach fic, so be nice! Haha, kidding, just be honest about what you think of it. That'll be enough. And make sure you _REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!! _

…please.

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Bleach Outtakes

_Scene where Rukia appears out of Ichigo's wall_

Ichigo: O.O

Rukia: It's close…(steps down and trips) OW!

Ichigo: …you alright?

Rukia: (glare)

Ichigo: What?

Rukia: (hits him) Hello? Damsel in distress here? What the hell kind of main character are you? Get on with it already!

Ichigo: Ooooooooh, right, right. (grabs her and kisses her)

Rukia: Now we're talking!

Director: CUT! CUT, DAMMIT CUT! This is _NOT_ how the script goes!

Rukia and Ichigo: (too preoccupied to bother)

Mizu: Ha, I've always wanted this to happen. MWAHAHA. (waves IchiRu flag)

Uryuu: Thank god you don't own us (looks sick)

Chad: (pale) Abuelo…help.

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_Scene where Rukia pops out of his closet and a Hollow (Orihime's brother) attacks_

Rukia: ICHIGO! (pulls on glove and smashes her fist into his head)

Ichigo: OWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rukia: O.o Huh?! What the fu—dge? What a minute—this isn't the soul pusher-outer glove thingy! HEY! WHO SWITCHED MY GLOVE!!! (mumbles) And it isn't even a good color. I mean, c'mon, _olive green?!?!?!_

Ichigo: …soul pusher-outer glove thingy?

Hollow: Uh…hello? I'm still here, you know…

Director: CUT! AND YOU! (points an angry finger at Uryuu) No messing with the wardrobes, you fashion freak!

Uryuu: Hey, it's not _my_ fault Shinigamis have no fashion sense. (simpers off)

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_Scene where Rukia appears at school for the first time_

Rukia: Hellooooo Kurosaki-kun! (sparkles)

Ichigo: What the fuck?! What are—

Rukia: I'm sure we'll get along just fiiiine (holds out hand with kanji written on it)

Ichigo: (reads) Kiss me. Now. Oh. (grins) Ohhhhh. Hell, why not just do it now? (proceeds to make out with Rukia)

Classmates: (nosebleed)

Director: (talking through a nosebleed) 'ey! Eet's keep th' ratin' PG13!!

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_Scene where Orihime almost gets run over by a car_

Orihime: O.o AHHHHHHHH A CAR'S COMING AT ME, I'M GONNA DIE I'MGONNADIEI'MGONNADIE OH SHITAKE MUSHROOMS AND GARLIC CHICKENS I'M GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rukia: Uh, Inoue. You don't die in this chapter. In fact, you don't die at all.

Orihime: …oh. Well, then. (all hapy now) Carry on! (waves at the car) You can hit me now! (smiles)

Car Driver: …

Director: …you do realize that they have scripts for a reason, right? (mutters) Stupid girl thinks with her breasts.

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_Scene where Uryuu appears and challenges Ichigo_

Uryuu: We'll use this. (holds up Hollow bait)

Ichigo: …what the hell is that?

Uryuu: It's bait that'll attract the Hollows. Whoever kills the most Hollows wins. Maybe now you will finally see that you are not a true Shinigami and never will be.

Ichigo: Hey! Wait, wait—

Uryuu: (snaps the bait and Hollows come rushing out)

Ichigo: Ohhhhh shit. (fight mode)

Rukia: (picks up a piece of the bait) Hey wait a minute! This is just chocolate!

Uryuu: (blush) Well, the real bait was too expensive. So…I improvised.

Ichigo: CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!! (tackles Rukia for it)

Uryuu: …maybe it was a mistake getting chocolate.

Rukia: (getting crushed) Yea…

Hollows: ...um...hello? Guys? Guys?!

Director: …that's it. I'm definitely going to be talking to someone about these budget cuts. (stalks off stage; hurriedly comes back) Oh wait, CUT!

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_Scene where Rukia goes to Urahara's store_

Urahara: Oh, Kuchiki-san! How nice to see you again! Were you looking for anything?

Rukia: Soul candy. Now. Neeeed. Souuuuuuuuuuuul. Caaaaaaaaandy (attacks Urahara for soul candy)

Urahara: Ack! (runs away) Tessai! Goddamit Tessai! Get your ass over here! Zombie Maneuver #2! HURRY UP!! (gets tackled by Rukia)

Director: CUT! …and somebody go get a straitjacket. (glares at Ichigo) Now you see why I said no switching her coffee to decaf?!

Ichigo: …sorry.

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_Scene where Kon is put into a stuffed animal_

Kon: Hey! How come I get _this_ body! Couldn't you do any better?!

Ichigo: Hm…well, now that you mention it…I suppose I could get you a key chain.

Kon: O.O

Rukia: Hey, yea! That could work. Or, we could stick him in a Barbie doll. I'm sure Yuzu has some of those around.

Director: (barely containing his laughter) As amusing as this sounds, you _really_ need to stick with the script.

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_Scene where Rukia is found by Renji and Byakuya_

Renji: (unleashes his zanpakutou) You who doesn't even know his own zanpakutou's name is unworthy of fighting the Captain!

Ichigo: (gets hit in the shoulder) …?

Renji: O.O Dude, you're supposed to fall over in a spray of blood!

Ichigo: Huh? (looks at shoulder) Ack, noooo! My portable radio's in there! My poor radio! My poor $75 radio! Renji, you bastard!!!!

Renji: Hey don't blame me! You're the one who—hey, wait…that radio looks familiar.

Ichigo: Uh-oh…(silently waiting for countdown to Renji explosion) I mean...what radio?

Renji: HEY, YOU FUCKING BASTARD! THAT'S _MY_ RADIO!!!! NO WONDER I COULDN'T FIND IT!!!!!!!!!!

Ichigo: What are you mumbling about, you tattoo freak?! This is _mine!_

Renji: No, it's MINE!

Ichigo: MINE!

Renji: MINE!

Ichigo: MINE, GODDAMMIT!!!

Renji: IT'S FUCKING MINE!

Rukia and Byakuya: …

Renji and Ichigo: (still fighting over the radio)

Byakuya: …great, at this rate, I'll never get to show off my great speed skills and stab him through the back.

Rukia: Thank god..

Byakuya: (glare) I'm not done with you yet, missy.

Director: CUT! Renji, Ichigo, cut it out or I'm getting out the straitjackets! And YOU, Byakuya! Save your family issues for later! (attempts to pry Renji and Ichigo's hands from each other's throats)

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_Scene where Urahara finds Ichigo lying in the rain after getting beaten by Byakuya_

Urahara: (holding umbrella over them) Hn…

Ichigo: …

Urahara: (pulls out cane and pokes him)

Ichigo: (wince) OW!

Urahara: (poke poke)

Ichigo: Dammit, man, stop doing that! Aren't you supposed to _help_ me?!

Urahara: Heheheh...hm? Oh yes, but this is more fun. (poke)

Ichigo: OWWW!!! (faints)

Urahara: (glances at his cane) Oops…the blade unsheathed. Sorry, Kurosaki. Kurosaki? …hello?

Ichigo: X.X

Director: CUT! Ok, from now on, Kisuke gets plastic swords. Medic!

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Annnd that's all the outtakes for this chapter. On to something...more fun...heheheheh. (cackles like an evil monkey)

**Things They Would Never Say (or at least, I _hope_ they wouldn't say them…)**

Hitsugaya

I need a highchair, get me a highchair dammit!

You're right…I'm weak (sobs)

Ew, go out with Momo? Are you crazy?!

Ooooh paperwork! I just _love_ paperwork!

Hey Rangiku, you hottie. Want to go out for lunch? (wink)

I'm too sexy for my robes, I'm too sexy…

Hey everyone! Isn't it a _jolly_ good day today? Sun's out, bird's chirping…ah, I just _love_ cheeriness! (all smiles and sparkles)

Aw crap, my hair's all messed up. Hold on while I fix it. (pulls out compact mirror and proceeds to preen himself)

Rangiku

Oh shit, my boobs are showing! (reties robes)

Hey y'all! Where ah' th' cows and th' chickens?

Ugh, I _hate_ this shawl, it's _waaaay_ too fancy. (chucks it)

I'm shaving my head and becoming a nun!

Jewelry? Oh no, I don't like that crap.

I'm a tree hugger! (runs over to hug a tree)

Oh my god, Yamamoto, you are so hot. (hugs)

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Yay, first chapter of _Bleach Outtakes_ is DONE!!! celebrates

And yes, you may have figured it out by now. For the _Things They'll Never Say_ I'm doing two each chapter—a captain and their vice-captain. Of course I'd do Hitsugaya first! I love him And sorry if it's really lame…T.T

EDIT: 8/28/07 -- yes, it took me THIS long to edit. Stupid formatting. Anyway. Thanks for bearing with the horrible format for this long.

Anyway, Read and Review please!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo and him alone. Unfortunately. (sniff)

Momo: Thank god. If _you_ owned Bleach, you'd steal my Shiro-chan from me! (huggles Toshirou)

Hitsugaya: ... ... ...

Ahem. Sorry. Daydreaming about marrying Toshirou again…eheheheh.

…carry on.

Byakuya: Finally…

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Bleach Outtakes

(2)

_Scene where Rukia is in the Division 6 holding cell with Renji outside_

Rukia: Renji. Do you really think they'll give me the death sentence?

Renji: Well, DUH.

Rukia: …I see.

Renji: O.O Hey! I was kidding! What did you think?! Of course they won't, Byakuya-taicho is already appealing to the court! He'll get you out of it.

Rukia: …I-

Byakuya: (runs in) That's right, dear sister! I will get you out of it no matter what! Even if it means giving up all my wealth, my power, my kenseikan, my lovely, lovely, scarf! I'd even give up Renji for you, dear sister!

Renji: HEY!

Director: (glare of death) CUT. Ok that's it. (hits Ukitake with his camera tripod) NO MORE PUTTING HAPPY PILLS IN BYAKUYA'S GREEN TEA!!! GOT IT?! _**GOT…IT?!**_

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_Scene where Ichigo wakes up at Urahara's place_

Ichigo: I want to save her! (attempts to get up)

Kisuke: (pokes him with his cane)

Ichigo: AHHHHHH!!! (writhes in pain)

Kisuke: (glances at cane) Whoops. So sorry, Kurosaki-kun. Benihime came unsheathed again…Kurosaki-kun?

Ichigo: (passed out again)

Director: CUT! Dammit Kisuke, what did I tell you about using PLASTIC props?!

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_Scene where Orihime first uses her Six Flowers_

Orihime: Tsubasa! I reject!

Tsubasaki: O.O OMG I'M REJECTED! AND YOU EVEN SAID MY NAME WRONG!!! AHHH! I'M UNLOVED AND UNWANTED!!!!!!!! Now I'll _NEVER_ BE ABLE TO FIND A GIRL! WAAAAAAAAH (goes off to cry in a corner)

Orhime: …O.o

Rest of the Six Flowers: Uhm, yea…Tsubasaki's arrived at his mid-life crisis stage…

Director: I give up…-.-

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_Scene where Sado and Orihime are training with Yoruichi in that warehouse place_

Sado: (makes the walls go boom)

Orihime: Yay! You did it, Sado-kun! Yoruichi-san, what do we do now? …Yoruichi-san…?

Yoruichi: ...zzzzz... (snoring away)

Director: CUT! Alright, who brought the catnip?!

Kisuke: …but she looks so _cute_ sleeping! (cuddles Yoruichi)

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_Scene where Uryuu is training with the glove_

Uryuu: (takes glove out of box and puts it on) Hm…why is this so…unfashionable?!

Souken: (pops out from behind a tree) Hey! I'll have you know that _that_ is a prized, family possession!

Uryuu: O.O Wait…aren't you supposed to be dead?!

Souken: (sniff) That's a fine way to greet your newly revived grandfather…I'm offended! No TV for you for a _week! _(simpers off)

Uryuu: NOOO! But I have to watch my daily fashion show channel! T.T

Director: …dear god…CUT. (chugs a bottle of painkillers for his humongous migraine)

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_Scene where Ganju first appears_

Ganju: I'm the self-proclaimed person who hates shinigamis the most, AND the self-proclaimed GOD OF THE WORLD! BWAHAHA BOW DOWN BEFORE ME! (cracks whip)

Ichigo: …now I'm traumatized…

Director: CUT! No kinky stuff here! AND _PLEASE_, HOW HARD IS IT TO STICK TO THE GODDAMN SCRIPT?!

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_Scene where Yoruichi leads them to Kuukaku_

Kuukaku: Yo.

All (minus Yoruichi, of course): KUUKAKU'S A GIRL?! O.O

Kuukaku: (is immediately offended) HEY YOU TAKE THAT BACK! (plucks off fake arm and chucks it at Uryuu)

Uryuu: OOF! Why is it always me getting hit…(promptly gets hit with a sake cup)

Director: CUT! And, erm…Kuukaku-san…could you please stop doing that? It's really quite expensive buying replacement arms…T-T

Kuukaku: (glares and throws a table at him)

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_Scene where they get to Rukongai and fight against Jidanbou_

Ichigo: (kicks Jidanbou's butt and is about to break his axes) WaHA!

Jidanbou: AHHHH MY EYE!!!!!!!!! (spurts blood)

Ichigo: …oops. O.O Sorry dude.

Jidanbou: (still screaming and running around like a headless chicken) AHHH!!! Noooo I CAN'T SEE—OOF! (runs headlong into the wall)

Ichigo: …O.O

Director: CUT! Ichigo, _please_ listen to Yoruichi-san when she's friggin' teaching you how to aim! (throws cups and plates and boots)

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_Scene where Jidanbou opens the gate for them_

Jidanbou: Haha, stand back! I'm gonna open the gate now…AHH!

Ichigo: …?

Jidanbou: AH—AHHHH!!!!! (points at Ichimaru)

Ichigo: …who's he?

Yoruichi: Ichimaru Gin, 3rd Division's Captain…dammit, I didn't think he'd show up here!

Jidanbou: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (still screaming and crying like a baby)

All: …

Ichigo: uh…dude, you ok?

Jidanbou: AHHHHHHHHHHH I WANT MY MOMMY!!! (runs away crying)

Gate: (slams shut)

Ichimaru: …um, bye…?

Director: …that's it. I quit. Ya hear me?! I QUIT!!!

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_Scene where Ichigo and Ganju land in front of Yumichika and Ikkaku_

Ikkaku: Luck luck luck!

Ichigo/Ganju: …

Ikkaku: (still singing) Luck luck, lucky luck luck! Lucky, luck, lucky!

Ichigo/Ganju: …

Ikkaku: Luuuuuck, luck luck LUUUUUUCK!

Yumichika: …dude, I think it's time you stopped…

Director: CUT! …ok, I'm making it a point to NEVER use a song that Ikkaku is obsessed with. Ever.

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_Same scene, Act 2_

Ikkaku: Luck luck luck!

Ichigo/Ganju: …

Ikkaku: Luck, luck—OW! (has stabbed himself with his sword) Motherfu—

Yumichika: Ah, ah, ah! No foul language in front of the youngsters. (smirks at Ichigo)

Ichigo: You're making fun of me, aren't you? (glares and tackles)

Yumichika: Ahhh!!! MY HAIR! Don't you dare—AHHH! LEGGO OF MY HAIR!!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!

Director: …I give up…

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Same Scene, Act 3

Ikkaku: Luck luck luck!

Ichigo/Ganju: ...

Ikkaku: Luck, luck--AHHHHHHH!

Yumichika/Ichigo/Ganju: (sigh) NOW what is it...?

Ikkaku: I SPRAINED MY TOE! AH! MY POOR BEAUTIFUL TOE! I SPRAINED A TOE! AHHH MOMMY!!!! (bawls)

Director: ...(slurred) I'll beee in the corn'r ufff yooo need meee...(hic)

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_Scene where Sado is hiding under that tree and a bird is on his arm_

Sado: …I wonder what I should do now…

Bird: Feeeeed meeeeeeeee…

Sado: O.O

Bird: Feeeeeeeeed meeee!

Sado: Oh my god…

Bird: Feed me dammit!

Sado: OH MY GOD A BIRD IS TALKING TO ME!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!! (runs away crying "mommy!" )

Bird: Heheheheh…oh wait--dammit you didn't give me a cracker!!!

Director: Cut! …DAMMIT URYUU HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS! STOP USING YOUR VENTRILIQUIST TRICKS TO TRAUMATIZE SADO!!! (runs off to pry Sado away from his security blanket)

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_Scene where Uryuu and Orihime fight Jiroubou_

Jiroubou: Wahahah! I am the _master_ of flying objects! Now, go get that four-eyed freak! (his attack goes veering in _his_ direction…) O.O ACK! NO, not ME! HIM!!! AAAAH!!!! OW!! HEY-no, no—sto-AAAAAH!!!!

Uryuu: …and I didn't even _do_ anything yet…

Orihime: …I think he's dead… (goes over and pokes him)

Director: (sigh) Ugh…cut. Now we need a Jiroubou the 5th. Is it really that freaking hard to control those things?!

Orihime: Wow…we've already gone through 4?

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_Scene where Ganju and Ichigo use Hanatarou as a hostage_

Ganju: (grabs Hanatarou) HAHAHA! Now you'd better let us go!

11th Division people: …why?

Ichigo: O.o what do you mean, why? We're using him as a hostage!

Hanatarou: AHHHH MOMMY!!!! WAAAH!!! (starts crying…a lot)

Kenpachi: (bursts out from…somewhere) DON'T WORRY HANA-CHAN! GOOD OL' KENPACHI'LL SAVE YOU!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (rescues "Hana-chan" and starts dancing with him…)

All: O.O

Ichigo: Good god…he's lost it.

Director: (seething) CUT! (dangerous pause) THAT'S. IT. (grabs Kenpachi by the hair) IF YOU DON'T STOP -BEEEEEEEEEEEPING- TAKING YOUR HAPPY PILLS, I WILL SEPARATE YOUR HEAD FROM YOUR NECK!

All: Eep!

Director: (glare) WHAT WAS THAT…?

All: Nothing! (runs away)

Ichigo: …is it just me, or is he frothing from the mouth?

Director: GAAAAAAAAAH! (starts tearing at his hair)

Ichigo: What? I was just asking…

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Oh ho ho! And that ends all the outtakes for THIS chappy. On to the stuff they would never do or so. Mwaha. Today, it's Byakuya and Renji's turn.

**Things That They Would Never Say**

Byakuya

Bad boys bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come fo' you!

Heey, Renji dahling! Want to have some tea lata…? (bats eyelashes)

Paperwork? SCREW paperwork! (tosses it all over the place)

You know, I really don't feel like going to the meeting today…guess I'll just cut it!

Hey Renji, old pal! Let's hit the bar and get drunk!

Rukia, dear sister! What do you say patch up our problems and be a nice, happy family?

I love you, you love me, we are one big happy family…

Renji

Ewwww! Oh my god I just saw a bug! Kill it, kill it, kill it!!! (is screaming atop a table)

Paperwork? Oooh let me, captain! Please, let me!

'Scuse me doctor, I want to get my tattoos removed.

Rukia! Allow me to profess my love to you!

Hitsugaya-taicho-sama! May I bring you your tea? Or perhaps cushion? Would you like some onigiri, too?

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Oh and the reason I'm using parenthesis is because for some reason, whenever I use asterisks, THEY DON'T SHOW UP!!! T-T It hates me…I'm convinced.

Byakuya: …_everyone_ hates you.

Mizu: Oh shut up, you! (catches him with a butterfly net and shoves him into the closet) Hmph.

So…_READ AND REVIEW,_ please!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Bleach does NOT belong to me. My name is not Tite Kubo…T-T And I don't own Fruits Basket either...my name isn't Takaya; woe is me. Well actually, that's her pen name, but WOE IS STILL ME!

Oh and just a note…(sorry, forgot it in the other chapter) I know Kuukaku doesn't have a fake arm in the manga, but she does in the anime. And I thought it'd be hilarious if she just took it off and chucked it at someone XD

…which…she probably would do.

Enjoy! And don't forgot to read and review!!!

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Bleach Outtakes

(3)

_Scene where Hanatarou introduces himself_

Hanatarou: Um…I'm…I'm Hanataro-

Ganju: Dude. Why are you introducing yourself? You're our _hostage_.

Ichigo: Yea…that's just messed up.

Hanatarou: (teary eyes) Oh my god I'M SO SORRY! I CAN'T DO _ANYTHING_ RIGHT! GAH! I APOLOGIZE! I'M SO SORRY! I APOLOGIZE TO YOU! I APOLOGIZE TO MY CAPTAIN! I APOLOGIZE TO THE WHOLE WORLD!! WAAAAAAH!!!! (runs off the set crying)

Ichigo: …somebody's been reading too much of Fruits Basket lately...

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Scene where Ganju pulls out his hand-drawn map

Ichigo: …wait. This map doesn't tell us a damn thing! (notices picture in the corner) …you drew this didn't you...

Ganju: So what? Are you making fun of my artistic talent?

Ichigo: (scrutinizes it) Well…I have to admit, it is worse than Rukia's drawings. Then again, anyone's would be better than hers.

Rukia: (pops out of nowhere) HEY! WATCH IT, ASSHOLE!

All: O.O

Hanatarou: Rukia-san! You're alive…I-I…can't believe it. You…YOU'RE ALIVE!!!! YOU'RE ALIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!

Rukia: …O.o (backs away) Ichigo…help!

Director: CUT! …Hanatarou, you were given medication for a _reason_…USE them.

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Scene where Hanatarou tells them the way to get to the White Tower

Hanatarou: Rukia…? As in, Kuchiki Rukia?

Ichigo: You know her? Where is she? How do I get to her?

Hanatarou: She's in that white tower, over yonder. (starts singing) Just follow the yellow brick road…just follow the yellow brick road…just follow the yellow brick road…

Director: CUT! (glares and throws Hanatarou out the window) I am NEVER letting you watch the Wizard of Oz ever, EVER AGAIN!

Ganju: Yea…and he was singing off key, too…(wince)

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Scene where Sado battles Shunsui

Shunsui: (floats down in front of Sado) Greetings. I am Kyouraku Shunsui, 8th Division Captain.

Sado: …

Shunsui: Now then…what? What are you looking at? Oh don't worry, even though I'm a captain, I'm quite easygoing. Not like that Byakuya, you know, eh? (winks)

Sado: …um…

Nanao: (sigh) Taicho…you forgot your pants.

Shunsui: O.O

Director: CUT! (aggravated sigh) Ugh. This…is taking its toll on me.

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Same scene as above, take two

Shunsui: (floats down in front of Sado) Greetings. I come in peace, earthling.

Nanao/Sado: …

Director: Cut! No more sci-fi for you, Shunsui! And lay off the sake! Sheesh…we're not supposed to be promoting drinking you know!

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Scene where Nanao is throwing down the sakura petals

Shunsui: Heheheheheheheh…(petals flow by)…hehehe..heh…eh? (a whole lot more petals flow by) Nanao-chan!

Nanao: (blank stare—drops handfuls)

Shunsui: Nanao-chan! Stop! No more! (petals keep on coming) Can't you hear me? L-O-V-E-L-Y lovely Nanao-chan! (petals finally stop) Ah! There we go—AHHHHH!!!! (thorns fall on him)

Nanao: Heheheheheh…

Director: O.O Um…cu-cut…(in a whisper) Oh god. She really _is_ scary! (scurries away)

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Same scene, take two

Shunsui: (attempts to float down and crashes head first) AHHH! –thud-

Nanao: Taicho! Are you alright?!

Shunsui: DAMN WIRES! (moans and groans, petting his hair and putting the little flowers back in) I SAY WE SUE THE DAMNED COMPANY!

Sado: (whistles and hides scissors behind his back)

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_Scene where Shunshui is about to cut Sado with his kodachi_

Shunshui: Well, seeing as how you obviously won't go back, I have no choice but to take your life. (whips out swords)

Sado: …

Shunshui: What the—HEY! WHO REPLACED MY BELOVED SWORDS WITH CARDBOARD ONES?!?!

Director: ...(sigh) CUT. Dammit, Ishida, you give those back or you're FIRED!

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Scene where Sado, Ganju and Ishida are locked up

Uryuu: Oh, look at that cute little butterfly!

Ganju: …?

Uryuu: Awww, hello Mr. Butterfly. You're so cute!

Ganju: …uh, Uryuu…

Uryuu: Aww, does Mr. Butterfly want a hug? Yes you do! I know you do!

Ganju: (walks over, picks up the butterfly, and throws it out the window)

Uryuu: O.O AHHHH!!! MR. BUTTERFLY?!?! MR. BUTTERFLY!!!! AHHH!!!!!

Ganju: Dude, it's just a stupid butterfly!

Uryuu: (gasp) Stupid…? STUPID?! THAT BUTTERFLY IS MY SOUL!!! MY LOVE! MY LOOOOVE!!! (scratches at the barred window)

Director: CUT! (Gives Uryuu a weird look) …perhaps it'd be best if you took your medication now…

Sado: …I'll stay out of this one.

Ichigo: Smart idea.

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Scene where Ichigo fights Kenpachi

Kenpachi: (strides up to him)

Ichigo: …

Kenpachi: Ha, has fear stilled you? Come one! Take a shot at me! Hit me as hard as you can.

Ichigo: …

Kenpachi: Well, what are you waiting for?!

Ichigo: …you forgot your pants…

Kenpachi: (blanch)

Yachiru: Heehee! He's right, Ken-chan! You forgot your pants! (hollers at the top of her lungs) KEN-CHAN FORGOT HIS PANTS! KEN-CHAN FORGOT HIS PANTS!

Director: (between smothered laughs) CUT! …haha…

Kenpachi: (glare)

Director: Eep! O.O

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Same scene, take two

Kenpachi: (holds Ichigo up by the collar) AHA! I didn't forget my pants today, did I? HAHAHAHA!

Ichigo: …we're filming, you know that right…?

Kenpachi: …(stares at the cameras) Oh…oops.

Director: Cut…(sigh) I need a new job.

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Same scene, take three

Ichigo: (about to cut Kenpachi) YAAAAAAAA--…hey…

Kenpachi: (curled up on the floor, snoring) zzzz

Ichigo: Hey, Mr. Big-bad-captain-of-the-11th…wake up!

Kenpachi: zzzZZZZZZ

Ichigo: (nudge) Wake UP!

Kenpachi: ZZZZZ

Ichigo: WAKE UP DAMMIT! (sounds of violence ensue)

Director: …oh dear god—hey, hey! NOT THE CAMERAS! NOT THE $50000 CAMERAS! CUT! CUUUUT!

Mizu: Hehehe (kidnaps Toshirou and sneaks off)

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_Scene where Yachiru is about to take Kenpachi to the roof_

Yachiru: Thank you for making Ken-chan happy, Ichi. Please don't die; come back and fight him again sometime.

Ichigo: …(moan) Paaaain…

Yachiru: …you weren't supposed to say that o.O (checks script)

Director: CUUUUUT! **KUROSAKI!!!** What did I tell you about drinking on the job?!

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Same scene, take two

Yachiru: Thank you for making Ken-chan happy, Ichi. Please don't die; come back and fight him again sometime. (attempts to jump to roof and falls) AAAAH!

Kenpachi: (instantly awake) WHO DARES TO HURT YACHIRU?!?!?!?! (goes on a rampage and destroys all the wires)

Ichigo: Wha—HEY! WATCH IT!

Kenpachi: ROOOOAR!

Ichigo: …?

Kenpachi: I AM THE KING! (still rampaging)

Ichigo: …what's he on? Hey—OW!

Director: CUT! Kenpachi, if you keep stepping on Ichigo we're going to have to find a new lead…

Ganju: Oh, me! Me! Pick me! PICK ME!

All: …(stare) No.

Ganju: T-T

-----------------

Same scene, take three

Yachiru: Thank you for making Ken-chan happy, Ichi. Please don't die; come back and fight him again sometime. (takes him and runs up building)

Kenpachi: I'm on the moooooooooon, whee!

Ichigo/Yachiru/Director: O.O

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Scene where Yoruichi saves Ichigo

Yoruichi: Hm…I came late, didn't I, Ichigo? Sorry about that…I won't let you die. (picks Ichigo up, runs on the roofs, and promptly drops him)

Yoruichi: (O.O) …Oh shit. Sorry about that, Ichigo.

Ichigo: …I can't feel my arms…

Director: CUT! …I hate my job.

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--------------------------

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Oh, ho ho ho And now it's Ichigo and Rukia's turn for "Things They Will Never Say"!

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Things That They Will Never Say

Ichigo

Why, Kon, I LOVE you!

Eek! It's a bug! Kill it, Rukia, KILL IT!

Rukia-chaaaaan!

HELLO, everyone! (huge smile)

Oh my god, move! Get off the TV! THE TELETUBBIES ARE ON! (squeal)

I don't WANT to fight you! Why can't we all just get along?!

I love you, father! (runs to him with open arms)

Hey Karin! Want big brother to run to the store and buy you an ice cream?

Kon! I'm going to Hawaii for a week, feel free to take my body and do whatever you want with it. (sparkly smile)

Rukia, my love! Your skin…its so smooth. Not like sand.

[Haha, that last line was from Star Wars: the clones one. That was so CHEESY and BAD it was just begging to be made fun of.

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Rukia

Ichigo-sama!

Psh, leave me and save yourself? Why, I'd never say that! Get over here and save me AT ONCE!

Orihime, I LOVE your hair! Teach me?

Gin-sama! Your loyal servant is here to serve you!

Byakuya ni-sama, can I play with your scarf?

Ni-sama…why do you insist upon wearing hair curlers? They're WAY out of fashion.

RAWR! FEAR ME, LOWLY BEINGS! HEAR ME ROAR! ROOOOOOOAR!

Oooh cupcakes! CUPCAKES! Look, Ichigo, CUPCAKES! (jumps up and down and squeals)

(T-T) Woe is me…I'm so flat chested. INOUE! I ENVY YOU, YOU HEAR ME?! (bawls)

-----------------

Ichigo: …I can't believe you made me say that.  
Mizu: …? Say what?

Ichigo: THAT! I NEVER say "Rukia-chaaaan" or "ew" or "I love you Kon" or ANY of those! YOU HEAR ME?! GAAAH YOU JUST SCREWED UP MY REPUTATION I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!

Mizu: …Well, DUH. That's why it's titled things you would _never_ say, Ichigo.

Ichigo: …oh. It is? (peers at title) …oops.

Mizu: That's what you get for not reading, my dear. (drinks tea sagely)

EDITED: 11/5/07--Whew. This one's the longest one yet! ...oh my life just sucks. D: First it was the asterisks not working, and now bolding, underlining, and italicizing don't work either!?!? WHAT. THE. FRICK. And yes, some of them are still italicized, I don't know why. DX ...I hate life. Someone help me again? ;-; Please?

Don't forget to review, darlings x3


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of the characters, because if I did, then Hitsugaya would be married to me.

_  
_Hitsugaya: (O.O) Oh sweet mother of god…

Mizu: Hehehe (evil cackle)

Don't forget to review! D

**WARNINGS**: Um…language. And sexual references/humor.

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Bleach Outtakes

(4)

Scene where Yoruichi reveals herself

Yoruichi: Surprised, Ichigo? Ha, I love the faces of people after I show them my true form. (smirks)

Ichigo: (fainted with a nosebleed)

Yoruichi: …? Uh, Ichigo? (prods with a foot)

Ichigo: (spews more blood) Mama, I see stars! …Oooh look! It's a duck singing "Mary Had A Little Lamb"…

Yoruichi: Shit. In a bag. oo;

Director: CUT! My god you people, HOW HARD IS IT TO FOLLOW A SCRIPT?!

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Scene where Ichigo takes Yoruichi's flying device

Yoruichi: Wait! Wait, dammit!

Ichigo: Must…save…Rukia! (puts device on wrong and falls) AHHHH!!!!

Yoruichi: …see, this is why I said WAIT, idiot.

Director: CUT! Oh, shitake mushrooms. Now we need to find a new lead. I hate my life…(-.-)

-----------------

Same scene, take two

Ichigo: FLY!

Yoruichi: …uh, Ichigo?

Ichigo: Not now, Yoruichi! FLY! (shakes device) Come on, fly dammit!

Yoruichi: …Ichigo, that's a hair dryer you're holding.

Ichigo: (stares) …Oh. Um, oops?

Director: CUT! (stalks towards Ichigo while screeching obscenities)

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Scene where Byakuya confronts Ganjyu

Byakuya: Do not think to defeat me.

Ganjyu: O.O

Hanatarou: I'm…I'm very sorry for involving you in this. Let me take of it, it's too much to make you do it.

Ganjyu: Alright, buddy, I'm out of here! (runs like there are rabid wolves after him)

Rukia/Hantarou: Wha—hey! GET BACK HERE! (Hanatarou: whimper)

Byakuya: …

Director: CUT! Someone get that wimp back here, pronto! (nervously looking at Byakuya)

-----------------

Same scene, take two

Byakuya: Do not think to—to…ACHOO!

All: O.O

Byakuya: Sorry, allergies.

Director: CUT! …and, someone get Byaku-chan a box of tissues?

Byakuya: …Byaku-chan?! (vein)

Rukia: (snicker)

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_Scene where Ganjyu is wounded…horribly_

Byakuya: Do not think to defeat me, _Shiba_. (walks away)

Ganjyu: I'm…I'm…

Byakuya: Yes...? Any final words?

Ganjyu: I…am your father. (laughs) OW! Owww…my ribs.

Byakuya: …(stabs him again in the leg) That's what you get for ridiculing me. (stabs again)

Director: CUT!!!! Byakuya, how many times do I have to tell you to STOP KILLING OFF THE CAST?!

Byakuya: …he asked for it. (stabs…again)

Director: STOP IT—er, you tell him, Ichigo. (is glared down by Byakuya)

Ichigo: Psh, hell no!

Director: Tell him!

Ichigo: No!

Director: TELL HIM!

Ichigo: NO!

Byakuya: …(shrugs and continues stabbing Ganjyu)

Ganjyu: OOOOWWWWWW!!!

Rukia: …(sweatdrop)

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Scene where Ichigo is about to drop onto the bridge

Rukia: Look! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a…strawberry?

Giant Strawberry: (lands and goes splat) …

Ichigo: HEY! (jumps down a second later) HEY, who replaced me with the strawberry? Huh? HUH?!

Sado: (attempts to sneak off)

Director: CUT! Sado, stop with the puns or you're fired! And you aren't even supposed to BE in this scene! SCRAM!

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_Scene where Ichigo and Byakuya are fighting on the bridge_

Byakuya: What did I say about talking big, boy?

Ichigo: Yea, well…shut up!

Byakuya: (ponders)…are you sure that's your line?

Ichigo: Yea! (Swells with pride)

Byakuya: (grabs script) Well, it's not.

Ichigo: WHAT?! Yes it is!

Byakuya: No it isn't.

Ichigo: YES IT IS!

Byakuya: No.

Ichigo: YES!

Rukia: Um…I don't think this is the best time to be having this argument (points at frothing director)

-----------------

Same scene, take two

Byakuya: What did I say about talking big, boy? …(waits a few minutes) Hey, where _IS_ Ichigo?

Rukia: No idea. (looks around) Hey, Ichigo? ICHIGO! Get your ass out here!

Ichigo: (in bed snoring) Mmm…zzzz

Director: CUT! …(glares at Ichigo while simultaneously dumping ice on him)

Ichigo: AHHHH!!! What the fuck was that for?!

Rukia: For missing your line! For still being in bed! And for language! (slaps his mouth--with her mouth)

-----------------

Same scene, take three

Byakuya: What did I say about—what on _earth_ are you doing?!

Ichigo: Mm 'eahin a 'anwithe. (I'm eating a sandwich)

Byakuya: I can see that. _Why_ are you eating a sandwich DURING A SCENE?!

Ichigo: (swallows) …oh, we're filming? Sorry, I thought this was still practice.

Byakuya: …

Director: CUT! (shakes Rukia) I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! USE YOUR MAGICAL POWERS OF RUKIA-NESS TO MAKE HIM NOT SCREW UP!

Rukia: …um…well, I can do him for 3 hours. That might make him more compliant…

Ichigo: HELL YEA!  
Others: (O.O)

Director: Hey! This isn't porn! Keep it non-porn!

Rukia/Ichigo: (snicker)

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---------------------

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Things They Would Never Say

Yoruichi

Eek! Ichigo caught me in the shower! EEEEK!

Cats? I hate cats.

I…I have a secret. I'm…insecure. (bursts into tears)

KISUKE! Hold me in your strong, manly arms! (swoon)

OW! You motherfucker, you made me break a nail!

I think my breasts are too big…T.T

Soi Fong! Oh how I've missed you, lovey. Here, come have some tea with me (purr) [Actually, she might say this ..

Kisuke (actually, he probably would say most of this…; ah well)

Go away, Ururu! (shuns)

I LOVE rock an' roll, I…(sings)

Mommy! I want a lollipop…(puppy eyes)

OH NOES! Someone stole my hat! AHH! The sun! The suuuuuun! (melts)

How ya doing, Harry Potter? (thick British accent)

Aw come on, Aizen…I spent YEARS on that gem thingymabobber and now you're stealing it? You suuuuuuuck. (pouts)

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(Aiite. That's enough—I can't think of anymore. Lawl, Kisuke would say pretty much anything.)

Woot! Chapter 4 done. Sorry it took so long…ahem. I sort of forgot this was here. Kidding! No really, I didn't forget you guys (laugh) Just that…finals are coming up, teachers are shoveling out shitloads of crap, etc. Meh. (cries)

EDIT 11/7/07: Whew. Fixed up more errors and stuff. Wow. This is a REALLY short chapter compared with the first three; sorry about that. D: I'm working on the rest, though!

EDIT (second): ...WHY THE BLOODY HELL AREN'T THE ITALICS/BOLD/UNDERLINING WORKING?!?! D FIRST IT WAS THE FECKING ASTERISKS, NOW THIS?! tears at hair ...for the love of cupcakes and mushrooms, SOMEONE HELP ME.

Don't forget to visit my devArt!

Bleach cast: We're waiting for your reviews!


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